It all started last night. Firstly Oliver was very upset, scared and anxious about his swimming lesson at school today. Hes been doing so well lately at swimming. We couldn't get him anywhere near the leisure centre as it was far too noisy for him, we even got him some special ear plugs and a headband to cut out the noise. School really wanted him to try. Hes been going this term and has progressed well, however the last lesson before half term, the boys had become very rowdy in the changing rooms and created too much noise for Oliver. I think he was worried about this and started to get very upset about going.
Some experts say that people with Autism experience sensory input differently from non autistics. It seems their sensory systems are wired up differently and can become overloaded very quickly by either loud noises, too much sensory information coming in or even seeing certain colours can create pain. So swimming baths can be terrifying places with all the shouting, splashing, temperature changes, hearing changes in and out of the water, echoing and all round recklessness that water seems to produce from humans. Its no wonder that Oliver doesnt look forward to his sessions!
It took us a few hours late into the night to get him settled and off to sleep, then I went to bed but Joanne was restless and was sporadically awake throughout the night. I was knackered when I got up, a bit down and if I'm honest a bit pissed off at being kept awake. I motivated myself to get my lunch ready but Oliver wasn't happy. As the time marched round to getting him ready for school he began getting upset. It was really hard seeing him so upset but he has to go to school. I managed to get him ready (it was non uniform day too so that probably upset his routine as well!). He wouldn't go out of the door and I had to force him out and into the car. It was totally heartbreaking and I felt so bad at making him do something he didn't want to.
(Its not cruelty or anything doing this, he has to go to school, we all know that, and both us and school really want him to try swimming. He can do it and once hes in the water he enjoys it, its just getting him there. School also have a get out clause for him, so if it gets too much his TA will take him in the cafe to watch instead of swim)
I drove him to school and went into the playground with him clinging to me. We said we would speak to his teachers so I stayed with Oliver while Joanne went into school. I had a really bad feeling about today and I preyed he wasnt going to hit someone or worse. His TA came out to get him when it was time to go in and he reluctantly went in.
Joanne and I were both on the verge of tears as we walked away form school. It was heartbreaking, stressful and I felt like such a horrible dad for leaving him. His school were going to look out for him today and wouldn't push him too hard at the swimming lesson, they were trying really hard. I reached work 10 mins late and felt sick right down in the pit of my stomach. I was so unhappy and down and felt unbelievably guilty, it was hell.
I told one of my work colleagues why I was a bit late and explained the situation. Im so lucky to have a great, understanding boss and work colleagues or I really would be in the shit some days! Today had been one of the rare days when I could understand how people walk away from situations like this. Its a horrible, selfish thing to think but that's what it was like today. My wife is in constant agony and my son is going through hell. Its enough to make you mad. If I was a lesser person I could have kept walking this morning and kept going, not looking back, starting a new life. But I am NOT that person, I love my family with every ounce of my being and would never walk out on them. They need me as much as I need them. (I feel so ridden with guilt writing like this, but its the truth).
I tired to bury the stress and the thought of Oliver to the back of my mind and got some work done. But was really worried all day and didn't eat much of my lunch. I phoned home about 4pm and Joanne told me he'd had a really bad day at the leisure centre. He totally flipped and had to be restrained to stop himself from injuring himself or others. It all proved too much for him and he had to go back to school. He had calmed down back at school and he was very remorseful about his outburst.
Autistic people often have uncontrolled outbursts or Meltdowns and feel very bad about themselves afterwards. It was a classic Autistic Meltdown at the leisure centre and the school had been hit by it today. After a chat with the school today we are going to get the Autistic specialist to school again to discuss Oliver anxiety. The specialist is really nice and weve had some good results from working with him in the past. Lets hope that can continue.
Anyway, Oliver was at home and relaxed, playing minecraft in his bedroom. I on the other hand was in bits at work. I had to hold it all in as I always do, struggling to keep my feelings form bubbling up to the surface. (I think thats why this blog helps. I dont care if anyone reads it (thank you if you do!), its just a really good outlet for me, letting me express my thoughts and feelings that would be normally locked away and left to fester!).
I tidied my desk and left for the walk home. I stuck my Ipod on loud to drown out my thoughts and marched towards Walney. The sun was setting right in front of me and I watched it descend towards the horizon as I got nearer to home. I walked down by the dock museum on the channel and the sea air and amazing sunset lifted my mood slightly. I took a couple of pictures as it was too good to miss the opportunity and I eventually got home.
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| Walney Channel Sunset |
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| Looking out to the Irish Sea |
Oliver had chilled completely out and I just gave him a big hug. I didn't want to upset him by talking about his day, so we played a little after tea and I got more cuddles. We are really lucky with that side of Oliver. Many Autistic people cannot bear any form of physical contact - now that would really break me if that ever happened!
After my dinner I tidied up, sorted out the days jobs and when I put the rubbish bag in the garage the punch bag was just hanging there. I put the rubbish in the bin and set about the punch bag. I saw red and pummeled the inanimate object. It suddenly became all the stresses in my life, Olivers Autism, Joannes Illnesses, the constant tiredness and all the other things that surround me and pile up.
I punched and punched, harder and faster, pounding the bag with a rage from deep within me. after a minute or so I got a flash or something red on my hand. I thought I had cut myself but it was just my knuckles, sore and glowing red. I stopped and caught my breath, I really should use my boxing gloves next time im angry!!!! Even though my hands were sore a bit of the stress had gone. I came back in and sat down to write this.
Its a rest day today so Im not even running it out, perhaps I should keep some of the rage bottled up for Parkrun in the morning. It could be a pb (not likely)!! Its been a bad day, but hopefully its over for today.
NB:For only the second time since writing this blog, Ive thought about deleting everything above. I haven't though, this is my life and it can be hard and it can be shit at times. But we get through by sticking together and a lot of love. I'm ok now and I'm gonna have a chill tonight, I might even get the Xbox out!!
Food Diary:
Breakfast :Nutribullet - Spinach, Avocado, Pineapple, celery, coconut water, blueberries, kiwi
Lunch:
Mackerel and beetroot salad with Quinoa
Dinner:
Pan fried Pork steak with Mushroom risotto, spinach, sugar snap peas and baby corn, oh and a blob of apple sauce!
Snacks
Nuts, Seeds, Banana, Apple, cherry flapjack
Drinks
Coffee, bottled water and Im so glad there is no alcohol in the house!
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