I apologise in advance for the length and content.
I set the alarm for 5:30am to get out for a run but had another fitful night of sleep with Joanne, shes been in so much pain) and I just couldn't get out of bed when it went off which is so unlike me. I re set it for 7:30am and drifted off again before getting up for work. I took Oliver to my mums and went to work leaving Jo to rest. I phoned her about 12noon and shed just got up and still wasn't well, she seems to be getting worse day by day and Im getting extremely worried not just her physical health but her mental health too.
I returned form work and walked into a right mess. Now its no-ones fault its just the circumstances that Joanne is unable to do anything around the house, I mean even making a drink causes her immense pain in her chest. Oliver is Oliver and like any 8 year old, autistic or not, creates a whirlwind around him. As I had been working late last night as well I hadn't had time (or energy) to catch up from yesterday, so I had a double load to come home to. Add to that the pile of washing and ironing and nothing for tea, totally stressed me out.
I dove straight into it, not getting changed, I basically put my bag down and got stuck in. I felt angry, resentful and frustrated but buried these feelings as I always do, Joanne has enough to deal with without me blowing my top and its not her fault, she doesn't do it on purpose, as I said before that the circumstances of being a carer. I have to hold it in for Olivers sake too, he is so sensitive to emotion, especially negative and can melt down completely once voices or tempers are raised. So I store it all inside, in a vast dark well of stinking, pure negative emotion.
Tonight the surface was lapping over the top, overflowing into me, my emotions started to take hold. The anger (its not fair, Im always tidying, cooking) is fuelled by the frustration (we cant go out, we cant be normal, I cant do what I want) creates resentment (WHY ME! WHY US!) which makes me feel so selfish and hateful and self loathing and tears me apart that the guilt rides up and totally eats into my soul. Then I feel angry at being guilty which I shouldn't be and it gets fuelled by frustration and the cycle spins around again. I felt as if a giant hand literally screwed me into the ground, lower and lower. Deeper and deeper into the darkness. I felt so low and helpless, so lonely and isolated.
I cooked some chicken, vegetables and rice but when I cut into the cooked chicken breasts the unmistakable smell of rotten meat came through and I flipped. The chicken was off and it pushed me over the edge, I held it inside but the frustration tore through me as I threw the meat into the bin. The pressure was too much and I had to take a minute outside, get some air, calm down and rethink tea. The sink was still full of pots, the washing basket still spilled onto the floor. It was now 5pm and Oliver has to have his tea at 5 or we have problems. I hastily made him a starter (crackers and cheese) while his hastily, chucked in the oven, pizza cooked. Joanne came to see me but I couldn't look her in the eye, she asked if I was ok and I wanted to cry but held it back. The pressure built and built, I had to get out of there, I had to run. I told her I was really struggling but that's all I could tell her. I sorted Oliver and Jo out with some tea, tried my best not to upset and worry them both and shot out of the house.
Running : Distance: Didn't Fuc**ng care Average Pace: couldn't give a Sh*t
I was out. The music blasted in my ears as I made my way up to the Queens at Biggar. The guilt of me leaving the house weighed me down but I couldn't have stayed, I would have exploded. My head was ready to blow, it needed to release the pressure, to vent! I pushed on, my pace quickened as the anger, frustration and resentment all spilled out. I let them soak me, wash over me like a deluge, powering my feet as I strode through the lanes. I was really down, the negative emotions drove me deeper, pressing on my psyche as I ran. They needed to be set free, like caged animals they needed to be outside in the wild. I was really hurting inside, I hated myself for feeling like this but what could I do? My life is so hard, so difficult at times and I feel as if no one notices it at all.
I turned direction and ran up to Biggar Bank. On the beach trail I raised my head up and stopped dead in my tracks. The sun seemed to hang feet from the steely surface of the water. The tangerine rays of light bounced across the water, glinting and rippling off the polished, glassy surface.
Serene and tranquil.
Peaceful and soothing.
Calming.
Healing.
I ran along the trail, sideways on to the slowly setting sun. It seemed to pace me, step for step keeping time with me perfectly. Its gentle rays calmed my soul, healing the sores and banishing the darkness within me. I began to forget and clear my mind. I drank in the salty air as I jogged down the coast. I reached the golf course and an urge took over my actions. I found myself running over the pebbles between the path and the incoming sea. The pebbles, some slippy, some sharp with a crust of barnacles, glinted orange in the evening light as I easily dodged and stepped across them. The sea stretched out in front of me, the horizon seemed to bend and shimmer in the hazy sky. I stood there silent, my music turned off, my breathing still. I had never in my life seen the sea so calm, so still, yet with such a powerful feeling radiating from it, like a great swell or a tidal wave was rolling its way towards me from way out. I felt like I could feel the immense gravitational pull from the moon hanging silently in the sky behind me, toying with the planet, rolling the earths oceans at a whim.
The steely surface reflected the suns rays, inviting me to run across it surface, to keep going on an endless run (please don't mistake this for any suicidal thoughts or metaphors to that effect, Im down, but I wouldn't do that to my family. Life is for living, problems can be solved and nothing is ever as bad as it seems...especially after a run. Plus Ive got a race in two weeks and all this hard work is not for nothing!!!! :) ). As I stood there I looked around, I thought as I breathed in the fresh but salty air. In the grand scheme of things, what are we? Why are we here? I became a grain of sand amongst the billions of others. Still, inanimate, basking in the warmth, at peace, calm.
I set off again, slowly across the sand, the wavelets splashed at my heels. The stress had lifted, the storm was over and I made my way toward home. I ran through the lanes and onto the prom. The super moon was perched high in the sky and I swear I could feel its effects (I used to be a werewolf but Im alright noooowwwwoooooo haha) almost like a strong pull from deep within, its hard to explain, hard to pinpoint, maybe its something primitive, deep set within us, I don't know but I definitely felt something.
I pushed on towards home feeling energised but at the same time relaxed, calm and peaceful. On my return home the housework fairies and pixies hadn't been again (bastards) so I ploughed into the work , finished what I could and had some tea. After Oliver went to bed I slipped into an extremely hot bath with some relaxing mineral salts in and read a running magazine cover to cover. Then I grabbed a big mug of Ovaltine and shared this day with you. Sorry about the long post, I got a bit lost in the moment and lost in myself!
Food Diary:
Breakfast:Cornflakes with hot milk
Lunch:
Leftover Vegetable curry and wholemeal rice.
Dinner:
Leftover Chicken and Chorizo Paella
Snacks:
Flapjack, nuts and seeds, lentil crisps, small bar of dark chocolate, 2x apples , banana
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